Daughter of divorced parents- living with the stigma.
How to not let those pity eyes and concerned questions affect you.
When my parents separated some ten years ago, I blamed myself. I regretted telling my father to sign the divorce papers despite him being reluctant. At that time, I had to choose between my father and my mother. Imagine making a choice between being a ‘daddy’s girl’ and ‘mom’s only support’. I had to make that choice when I was only sixteen. After years of feeling contrite about it, the one resolve that keeps me going is- if I can not correct any problem, then it is not my problem. And this exactly how anyone can opt to live with the stigma of being children of separated parents.
First, learn to understand and accept the divorce.
It is hard in the beginning as it was for me, even though since early teens I knew that my parents were never in good terms with each other. Nevertheless, when the ax finally did fall, I was in denial mode for a long period of time. According to Sigmund Freud, a pioneer of psychoanalysis, denial is of the self-defense mechanisms that our mind develops in order to cope up with any shocking or unacceptable event in our lives. This event can be the death of a close relative or acquaintance, financial loss, etc. In my case, it was my parents’ divorce. However, as JK Rowling writes,
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
I tried to understand where my mother was coming from when she took the life-altering step of divorcing my father. Their marriage bond was inharmonious since the on-set with both of them being at variance and often at loggerheads with each other. My mother’s financial independence did not help salvage the rocky boat as well. Hence, it was inevitable that their discordant bond was put to an end.
Once I discerned why a futile relationship had to be annulled, I was more amenable and unperturbed by what others thought about my divorced parents.
Answer their irksome questions with confidence.
Be honest and unruffled when it comes to peoples’ intrusiveness. Most of the time it is nothing more than idle-chat. They just want to know what is happening in your life and how are you managing with a single parent. Since our societies have still not evolved and consider divorce a social-stigma; many people are prejudiced against divorce and single-parenting.
Also, by being confident about having single-parent and owning the decision as your parents did, there will be instances where people will take inspiration from you and your experiences. Once I was candid about my parents’ divorce, I found that there are others too who are going through some sort of emotional trauma in their lives, and just by sharing my tribulation, they bared their souls too.
Remember, those pity eyes and sympathies will never make a difference.
Even if people empathize with your situation, remember, they can not make any difference in your lives. I was pitied upon at times for being a daughter of a single mother and not having father’s support. Remarks such as how will you get married without your father’s help and you need male support to survive in this world were often directed at me. I then realized that I do not need their sympathies. Only I can make a substantive change in my life and no one else.
Indeed, life for children in broken and battered families is not as content as those with vigorously functioning families. They may have to face more adversities and become mature rather quickly as compared to their peers. For many of us, a part of our personalities would forever remain affected as we miss being part of a robust family. Nevertheless, what broke us is also what makes us strong. As we learn to live with the so-called social stigma, we realize that in the end, all that matters is- life itself!
